Being present is part of life. It is a harder part of life than one would think. Before I became a mom, I knew I would be present in every moment of my kid’s lives. I would notice everything. I would look them right in the eyes every time we talked. I would watch every amazing thing they did. However, the reality of motherhood is that there is laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, tantrums, sheer exhaustion! It is hard to always be present. It is hard to always want to be present.
I don’t disappear on facebook or pinterest or anything like that really, but I daydream. I daydream sometimes when I could be more interested. When I could be more present in what is going on in my kid’s lives. I am not sure they would ever know that. But I know it. Every night, I go to bed thinking I am going to be more present. I spend one on one with each kid every day. I look at pictures, somersaults, puzzles, lego buildings, bike ridings. I give hugs, kisses and laugh! I guess I just want to feel more excited about them all! And most of the time, I am pretty dang proud of my kids. I love seeing their creations and learning about them and hearing their stories and being present! But there are times when I am not.
I know I am only human and that I do deserve to be “Heather” sometimes and not “mom”. I wish I didn’t feel guilt over this. Someday I hope to figure out how to be present, but also have time alone without feeling guilty about it.