Want (5 minute post)

I wrote this while my kids were playing with the guinea pigs.  Spencer was eating corn on the cob "MMMM, good corn."

Want
Sometimes, most of the time, what I want is not what I need. I think.
(I realized that this post is going nowhere) 
After months of no writing, I don't even know why I haven't written, but I am feeling rusty. I feel like my last few writings have been about how I am going to do better at writing, write five minutes a day, even if I don't feel like it, blah blah blah.  So, that hasn't happened. But I have started to do a little bit of writing sidework for my friend's company and let me tell you, I look forward to putting those words together.  Even if it is about self help, which I am not such a big fan of, but the clicking of the keys, the rushing of thoughts, the reminder of why I LOVE to write, no matter what.  Whether it be self help, college essays, lesson plans, grocery lists.  It is an illness, nay, a deep and abiding desire for me to express myself in this way.  So, why do I put it off? Why don't I write all the things that I thought, "Hey, I should write this down."  Why?  I have no idea.  Sometimes we are our own worse enemies. Sometimes I think, "Why start? The kids will come running, crying, begging for something that they need and I'll lose track of my thoughts. My muse will go running for the door in full terror at the thought of four children in summertime. And she might not return.  But honestly, I have written for four minutes and seven seconds and I now have Brooke next to me doing learning book work and the other kids aren't running to me in insanity. I can see the sunlight, hear the mowers outside, feel the summertime chill that should prevail. So, what I want to do is write. Who cares how often, who cares what about, who cares if I share.  But I want to write!

Me at our "private beach". Not sure why I have this photo for this post, but it felt like I needed to because I do need to this for me and my mental well being.

News (5 minute Friday)

I wrote this while the kids were playing/yelling/beating up on each other outside because Spring came today and hallelujah!  Blake is out of town for work and I’m missing that man.  Sundays are the worst without my better half.

News

I didn’t think for a second really on what to write on this topic. It’s actually kind of a boring topic to me in that I don’t have any news to share.  No babies, no moving, no trips to a foreign destination.  I did lose 15 pounds and that’s exciting but not exactly news I want to share to the majority of the world. Just you few readers apparantely.  The feeling of sharing news is just so great.  That butterflies in your stomach, anxious anticipation to share the excitement.  And hearing other people’s news is exciting as well!  The “I’m pregnant with number six, surprise!” news is always fun.  The “I’m moving to Iceland for a year” news is just as exciting to hear.  The “I paid off my student loans after 15 years” news is thrilling and jealousy inducing (in a good way).  News is just news.  It can make your day better or worse.  There is crappy news.  Like a death in the family, job loss, wars in the world, poverty, a broken leg, even a paper cut.  The paper cut news is the kind I get from my kids.  It’s a big deal around our house.  These types of news make you feel something different and it’s not really news that anyone wants to share or hear about.  Still, it is news.  I guess the way we react to news can sort of define who we are.  We can say, “Well, that’s their problem.”  or “I’m sorry to hear it” or “I’m so excited for you!”  Or you can do something to help them deal with their news.  Bring cookies, send a card, even a text message remembering the person (in good and bad times). I hope and strive to be the person that is happy about other peoples news.  Instead of being jealous or grumpy about it.  I have been that way as well.  And that really doesn’t hurt them, but it sure hurts me.  And who wants to carry around guilt from the burden of jealousy.  I have done it before and believe me, it is not pretty.  

Found here

Surprise (5 minute post)

I wrote this when the kids were asleep and Blake was at a church meeting.

Surprise

Surprise, I haven’t written much lately even after my post saying I was reasserting myself to write more. I love writing. It is one of my favorite things to do.  It’s just tough to do with laundry piles and kids yelling at me.  So, I wait and at night I try and I am tired and The Goldbergs is mindless. Writing is not.  But I always feel better after writing. Not so much after watching The Goldbergs! Ha.  What a day, I ran 4 miles and it was snowing and I just wasn’t feeling it after a week of Spring Break and a few too many treats and a visit from our friend, Barb. I wanted my bed! And hot chocolate and a good food network show. Instead, I went running half heartedly, came back adn picked up Hailey who said she wants to start running with me.  Then she said her ankle was hurting but I made her anyway.  I gave her the whole shpeel about finishing what you start and reaching goals and blah blah.  It turned out fine, but I am still bugged that I didn’t kick butt on my run.  And besides that, I was still tired most of the day from the long run. Winter can end now! I never write five minute posts that turn into rants (I don’t think), but I am kind of tired!  I love my kids and our time together but has anyone else noticed that attempting to exhaust kids will exhaust mom too??  So, surprise, I am not going to end with any great words of wisdom or commitments to do better. I am going to end on I made cookies with Brooke, went on a lunch date with Spencer, played with William and ran with Hailey.  And we made a salt dough resurrection tomb for Easter.  And I only had one dr pepper today. And I ran 4 miles.  So, there you have it.  I guess my day wasn’t such a failure after all.  PS. I do have a husband that I talked to today too. Yes, he is my number 1.

Found this here

Quiet (5 minute prompt)

Quiet

I wrote this while the kids were asleep and Blake was watching Shark Tank and eating ramen.=)

I am a worrier by nature.  I figure if I worry about it ahead of time, by the time the problem comes, I will already have the solution figured out!  Do I homeschool?  Do we move? Do we buy a house?  Even simple things like what do I need to do tomorrow? And if I feel overwhelmed already on Monday night over what I have to do on Tuesday, then I have already lost the battle.  I try hard to just chill out but I have discovered that I am awful at chilling out!  I always need to be reading a book while watching a show with Blake or doing something productive.  It's crazy.  I have to make a conscious effort to relax a little bit during the day. I kind of failed at that today but here I am, still hanging on.  I just have to tell my head to "BE QUIET!"  Quit thinking, quit worrying, quit predicting the eminent future, good or bad, just so I will be prepared when everything blows up.  When I am feeling this craziness, I pray. I pray for calm and peace and as soon as I do, everything gets quiet.  My brain slows down.  Everything relaxes and I am reminded of who is in charge.  No matter how much I worry, what will happen, will happen.  God knows what will happen and my worrying won't change it.  Even better is that He knows everything.  Everything about the world, everything about the universe and everything about my seemingly insignificant life.  And He cares!  He cares about my stress and worries about the unknown future.  And He doesn't want me to have that stress or live that way.  And I am so grateful that I know that He knows where my direction is, even if I don't.  The feeling of peace is good enough because I know who is in charge in the long run.  And honestly, He is much smarter than I am, so I will let Him be in charge.

Googled "God is in charge" and thought this was hilarious.  Sometimes we feel like poor fish head penguin and sometimes we're the friend.  Either way, He is in charge of both penguins and that's a good thing.  Found here.

Focus (5 minute prompt)

I wrote this while the kids were in bed and Blake was watching a show "Weird but True". Interesting info.=)

Focus
I have been running a lot lately.  At first, it killed me. Like, running two miles on the treadmill was torture. How could I be so out of shape? I have been exercising pretty regularly over the years, but running five miles in college nearly 15 years ago was very different than running two miles 15 years and four babies later.  So, I ran.  I ran with Hailey and my friend, Renee and Sheila.  I ran at 7 AM with a running group. I ran in "feels like -13 degrees, 6 miles that day. I ran hills, one I nicknamed "evil hill".  I ran through snow. I ran in yaktraks which are spiked running shoe attachments to go on ice.  I ran through neighborhoods I had never been in, up and down dead end streets just to see what was there. I ran past my kid's school and waved three times, one wave for each kid.  I ran while listening to LDS General Conference talks, mostly President Uchtdorf, President Hinckley and President Monson.  Later on when I didn't need talks to distract me, I ran as long as I could just listening to my own thoughts.  And forming thoughts that went beyond, "I am about to die." or "My lungs are about to explode."  And I found a focus and I found myself enjoying it.  I found that I loved that hour of peace and quiet, with just me and my thoughts and my head.  Doing something I never thought I could do and feeling like I could keep doing it for a long time, just because I wanted to. Not because I wanted to be a buff mom or an ultra marathoner, but because I could focus on what was really important. As I ran, I found that only the most important thoughts were ones I thought about: my marriage, my mothering, my family goals.  And I would learn something new from the conference talks and be able to think about how I could use that in my life and in my family's life.  It has been an eye opening experience.  I feel stronger afterwards. I feel happier afterwords.  More positive, more potential and the winter didn't bother me as much.  All in all, I felt more focused.  And at the end of a busy mom day, that focus is hard to come by.  I will run those miles and keep running them to get that focus and hopefully my thoughts don't go back to "lungs exploding".

Had a nice springlike day in January and my kids rollerbladed and rode bikes with me while I ran. It was great to be able to push each other on and have talks about perseverance and finishing goals.  They are a lot of my motivation.

Limit (5 minute prompt)

I wrote this while the kids were asleep and Blake was helping his friend with his computer over at his house.  Also, the house is clean for once and makes me feel more free to sit in my made bed and write.  This isn't the norm. ha

Man, sometimes as a mom, as a human, even, you reach your limits.  You just get to the point where your nerves are frayed and your head wants to explode! Or at least eat a extra large bowl of ice cream with brownies that someone else made and served you while you lie in a Jacuzzi tub of bath bombs and spa type smells.  Now, I am off track! But honestly, some days are like that.  And you look to find repose in a book or exercise or a few minutes of quiet time.  And sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn't.  And as the person who is mostly running the show around here, I have to make time for myself or I reach my limit and it isn't pretty.  I was sick last week and I laid in bed for three days. I could hardly get up without being lightheaded.  And you know what, it was a great three days.  William and I snuggled in bed and watched three movies, I updated my extremely out of date family blog, I read a book, my kids came and laid in bed with me.  It was amazing. I was wishing every day could be like this (minus the head issue).  And I realized that I had been so busy with the crazy to do list, you know the neverending one with "wash the baseboards" and "go through the winter clothes" on it.  Truly, the stuff that probably won't change your life in any great way.  But I had gotten caught up in those things and was forgetting that it is ok to lay down in the day for a few minutes with a good book.  Or go on a walk outside.  Or just be.  Just appreciate small things.  So, I reevaluated and promised myself that this week I would take more time to just be.  And you know what? I did it.  I calmed down. I remembered that life isn't just to do lists and accomplishments, it is about being in touch with God and the other humans who live with you and near you.  Because those are the things that are real.  Those are the things that bring you back when you have reached your limit.  And life would be so boring and so drab without them. 

The people who bring me back from "the limit".  And who also cause me to go to "the limit".

Forget (5 minute prompt)

I wrote this on a whim while the kids were asleep and Blake was watching a show. Wasn't planning on writing but I was ordering something from Target and was clicking in my address, this my sound crazy, but my fingers needed to write. So, here goes nothing. (Sorry, it took 7 minutes to figure out where I was headed)

I haven't forgotten to write, I just haven't wanted to write to be honest.  I saw that it was May since I last did a prompt. How have nine months gone by since I have written? Yes, I have written an occasional personal journal entry and updated our family blog (no easy task!) but really written, free thinking, free handed, without worrying or caring about what comes out.  And letting my thoughts flow.  I haven't written because we moved, we traveled and then Blake's brother passed away.  I honestly have been a bit terrified of writing and confronting the obvious emotions that push their way through in writing.  I wrote half of the story for posterity in my journal and just couldn't write the rest. I am sure I will one day. But somehow, writing it down, makes it very real. And very real makes me very sad.  Why am I afraid of being sad?  I don't know! Honestly, who has time to be sad?  But being sad has its own place and is, indeed, necessary to accept grief.  There is something very raw about a sadness that can't be taken away by a hug or a smile or an awesome brownie.  Grief really is a sadness that I guess you just learn to deal with and accept.  And helping others through grief is another story.  It's hard. That's all there is to it.  After having written this down, my chest feels a little less heavy and my ears feel a little more teary, but that's ok.  I have prayed to be a better communicator and to FEEL!  While having continuous sweet and wonderful babies (4 in 7 years), I was a little overwhelmed and trying to just survive some days and I think that point of survival made me push emotion away a bit.  But let me tell you, when you pray to feel, you feel.  And it is much better than not feeling. It's much better than not crying.  I, therefore vow, to not forget to feel!  To feel pain and accept pain for what it is.  To not try to fix pain but to establish that pain is part of life.  That endurance is part of life.  That, though it isn't easy, it makes you more real.  It makes you more accepting of who you are and honestly, I'll take the feeling over the stoic.  Because then I know I am alive.

This was a thing I found online from when I was a kid.  I think my mom had a magnet or something like that on the fridge. Too funny!