Thursday, February 18, 2016

Forget (5 minute prompt)

I wrote this on a whim while the kids were asleep and Blake was watching a show. Wasn't planning on writing but I was ordering something from Target and was clicking in my address, this my sound crazy, but my fingers needed to write. So, here goes nothing. (Sorry, it took 7 minutes to figure out where I was headed)

I haven't forgotten to write, I just haven't wanted to write to be honest.  I saw that it was May since I last did a prompt. How have nine months gone by since I have written? Yes, I have written an occasional personal journal entry and updated our family blog (no easy task!) but really written, free thinking, free handed, without worrying or caring about what comes out.  And letting my thoughts flow.  I haven't written because we moved, we traveled and then Blake's brother passed away.  I honestly have been a bit terrified of writing and confronting the obvious emotions that push their way through in writing.  I wrote half of the story for posterity in my journal and just couldn't write the rest. I am sure I will one day. But somehow, writing it down, makes it very real. And very real makes me very sad.  Why am I afraid of being sad?  I don't know! Honestly, who has time to be sad?  But being sad has its own place and is, indeed, necessary to accept grief.  There is something very raw about a sadness that can't be taken away by a hug or a smile or an awesome brownie.  Grief really is a sadness that I guess you just learn to deal with and accept.  And helping others through grief is another story.  It's hard. That's all there is to it.  After having written this down, my chest feels a little less heavy and my ears feel a little more teary, but that's ok.  I have prayed to be a better communicator and to FEEL!  While having continuous sweet and wonderful babies (4 in 7 years), I was a little overwhelmed and trying to just survive some days and I think that point of survival made me push emotion away a bit.  But let me tell you, when you pray to feel, you feel.  And it is much better than not feeling. It's much better than not crying.  I, therefore vow, to not forget to feel!  To feel pain and accept pain for what it is.  To not try to fix pain but to establish that pain is part of life.  That endurance is part of life.  That, though it isn't easy, it makes you more real.  It makes you more accepting of who you are and honestly, I'll take the feeling over the stoic.  Because then I know I am alive.
This was a thing I found online from when I was a kid.  I think my mom had a magnet or something like that on the fridge. Too funny!

6 comments:

blestbutstrest said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. May the Holy Spirit comfort you and teach you how to comfort your husband. I'm glad you were able to write tonight :).

Tara Ulrich said...

So glad to find you in the FMF linkup. It is so important for us to feel our emotions even though that is so much easier said than done, Grief is so hard. Praying for you and your family.

Anna Seatter said...

So thankful how God leads us to feel that which we'd rather suppress and numb away. I'm so sorry for your family's deep loss. So thankful to God for leading you toward remembrance, so He can meet you in the mourning.

BTW I wrote on something similar this week...it might encourage you as you step forward into remembering: https://joyofthespiritwithin.wordpress.com/2016/02/19/forget-to-numb-remember-into-freedom/

Sarah said...

Beautiful!

Heather said...

Thanks! blestbustrest and taraulrich for reading and commenting. I appreciate your kind words. I'll go check yours out Anna. And Thanks as always Sarah. You have always sbeen so great.

daffodilsandcoffee said...

Grief is such a hard thing to deal with - I know this all too well (having lost a son to suicide over 4 yrs ago). I can be rolling along and seemingly be doing fine, then what I can only describe as a rogue wave comes up out of nowhere and threatens to pull me under. I'm going to put you and your family on my prayer list, Heather. Be blessed this week.

Lynette
~#89 on FMF linkup

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