1. I haven't written on this blog in years and I can't get into my "writeitout" blog. Don't ask me to understand the internet, I am an old-fashioned gal at heart. I honestly won't go to the effort to find the answer but will ask Blake or my cousin to help me. Ha! I have had to write and present three talks since Spencer's death. The first I chose to give, at his funeral, because who better knows your child than his parents? Blake and I couldn't ask anyone else to talk about Spencer, it just felt wrong. I looked through old memories and was ever so grateful that I had kept photo journals of our family time for 18 years. I was reminded of the beauty and pain of family life. I remember feeling almost robot like during the waiting time for Spencer's funeral. On the morning of, I wondered if I would even be able to go. I had heard of people skipping funerals and I thought, I could do that. But I had also heard of the regret that comes after. Blake and I are a partnership and we were going to offer a tribute to Spencer, an unexpected and unplanned tribute, but still, we wanted people to know who the true Spencer is and that he continues to be. I can remember very little about sharing memories about Spencer but I do remember feeling (and maybe saying) "It is easy to talk about your kids." And it is. And for me, maybe that was it. Maybe I needed to write and purge and remember little guy Spencer and big guy Spencer. I needed him to know that we still love him a million percent, in spite of his death. I felt as if I was talking to Spencer. I have never been big on public speaking. I remember saying to myself in high school presentations that I would be the first and get it over with. I usually ended up being close to the end. I would psych myself out, caring too much about what others thought. Speaking at Spencer's funeral was not like that. I wanted Spencer, God and everyone to know our true Spencer. I do remember Hailey saying, "Mom, you spoke for 45 minutes." Really? I had no idea. I was just talking to people about our son. Here is what I wrote. I might have added things in as I spoke, but I can't remember. The recording of his funeral has gone missing and I'm not sure I even mind. I don't know if I would ever have the strength or need to watch it. But I do know that The Lord held me up with both arms as I attempted to share who Spencer is.
Spencer was born September 21, 2007. He was what I called my “rainbow baby” because he was born after a miscarriage. I was scared that he might end in miscarriage too but he was born happy and healthy and HUNGRY! He was our hungriest baby. We had to feed him cereal at two months so that he could sleep through the night. It kind of worked. He slept in our closet in a bassinet and then he and Hailey started to share a room. That began an eternal friendship. They just got each other. Hailey would lead in all the shenanigans and Spencer would happily follow. One day they were painting and I came to check on them. They were all covered in green paint and Spencer said “We made ourselves dragons.” These were the best times ever.
One time he ate a whole peppermint patty with the wrapper on. He loved Hailey’s baby alive, more than Hailey! Everytime she started talking, he got all excited and talked back to her. He loved turning knobs and taking the milk lid off the milk jug. Brooke and Spencer would hide in cupboards together when they were little. Spencer would eat whole tomatoes when he was little, he loved them! He turned everything into an air guitar: the broom and a piece of wood and he would memorize songs very easily. He was a shepherd at our family Christmas party and he didn’t want to so he just laid down on the floor in his shepherd costume. He would always play cars on our stairs and line them up in rows. When he was three, he had an allergic reaction to penicillin. His feet were so swollen, we could’t get his shoes off. He got to ride in an ambulance and he was excited. I think that was his first memory. I stayed with him in bed all night. Spencer had some fine motor skills troubles when he was four. He started going to preschool to help him with his muscle strength. He loved it so much and had a crush on a girl named “Kiki”, not her real name. He would ride the school bus and he got to play Angry Birds on the bus drivers phone on the way home. It was his favorite. Spencer played soccer and football when he was younger. He would hold the ball so the quarterback could get it. He thought his job was unimportant until the coach told him, “You have the most important job. It’s the beginning of the play.” After that, he felt very important and needed. He played basketball in Kuna and while he wasn’t super coordinated, his coach spent time with him and trained him and he was grateful when he learned how to play. He got an award for “The best beginner” He also played lacrosse. He was nervous to start, but I told him the moms wouldn’t stop texting me until he joined. He made some good friends and I loved watching him stand there as a defender, ready to do his part. He would ask questions and improve his game. Spencer made fantastic “meat mashers” when he was younger. They were basically a lot of cooked and cut up meat. He moved on to “hashes”, a ½ pound hash browns with sausage, bbq sauce and onion and garlic powder. He usually added something new and different to each batch and it was fun to taste test them. He also liked making edible cookie dough. He sold some at a neighborhood sale and they sold out first. We loved watching him work on his talents. Spencer is a reader. When he was little, I would read to him and he would walk away after two pages, but I would keep reading until the book was over. Slowly, he got more into reading and discovered the I survived books. He loved learning about weather and even wanted to be a weatherman at some point. He moved on to history and war books and could spend hours reading facts and sharing them. He and Hailey would debate over history facts sometimes and I thought that was hilarious. I loved chatting with Spencer and asking him what he thought would happen with politics down the road. He always had a thoughtful opinion and would explain things to me when I asked. He would be frustrated if I didn’t know where a tiny country was, then he would tell me it was next to some other tiny country I didn’t know. He would quiz us on country populations, economies and materials. He just always sucked up information. He texted me a few weeks ago that he got 102% on test in college history class. Someone else told me he filled out 11 questions on a 10 question test. I asked him about it and he said he just added on. We know he’ll take his knowledge with him. He wanted to be a military intelligence officer. His history teacher told me recently they had a question, “What kinds of walls do you build up?” He said, “I don’t build walls, I break them down” I loved that answer. While Spencer did build some walls, he was all about uniting and helping people. Anybody could play with Spencer, it didn’t matter their age or gender. He could talk to anyone.
Last month, I dropped Spencer off at Cash’s house to get to school. Awhile later, I checked my phone and saw 9 missed calls from him and some texts. Here is the transcript:
S: “Mom, my pants just ripped. Could you come bring me more? Quick.”
S: “Mom, my pants just ripped. Could you come bring me more? Quick.”
S: “Mom, my pants just ripped. Could you come bring me more? Quick.”
S: Never mind.
M: Oh no.
S: Just drop them off at school at lunch, Cash gave me some of his pants.
M: Are his pants ok for today?
S: I havent’ stood up in them yet, so I don’t know.
M: Are you in the car still?
S: Yes.
M: How did they rip?
S: I was just sitting down and they ripped.
M: Which area?
S: Just by the office.
M: No, I mean which area did they back?
S: Back mom, they’re trash now. Also bring pants by 9:03, please.
M: Yes I will don’t worry. Then I sent him a Spongebob gif about ripped pants. He didn’t respond. Later, I asked him how it all turned out and he said “It was the worst first period of my life. I had to hold my pants up.”
It was just so funny.
Spencer has a special gifts with people with special needs. When he was in elementary school, he was usually paired with kids who needed help. He never complained. He was happy to help them. He helped Benny get back to his mom when he wanted to sleep on the football field and even held his hand so he could get back to his family. He would hang out with Thomas in Iowa who was a little quirky and he enjoyed it. He was happy to be partners with Harrison. He also loved hanging out with AJ, our buddy with down syndrome, and didn’t even mind when he would sit on him with his wet diaper. He even told me a few days ago that there weren’t any people he really didn’t like. This was just who Spencer was and he didn’t see it as anything extra. He just wanted to help.
Here is a journal entry from when Spencer was 6:
Spencer has always had a big heart. He loves people. He loves to tell stories. He loves man food! He loves having friends to play at the house. He loves doing jobs with dad and will even ask me "What else can I do, Mom?" He knows so much about the gospel and has the best memory! He retells anything he learns in great description. He loves hats. He works hard in school and loves to make his teacher happy. He has been a strong spirit and example to me. He is a snuggly and happy boy. I am so proud that he is ours and we love him!
Spencer is the funniest kid. They put up these Christmas lights and Spencer said he wanted our whole ward to come over, so he could put on a light show. The light show consists of him plugging and unplugging the lights so they "blink". Our friends made a special trip down the road to see the awesome show. It made Spencer's day.
We were able to visit 30 states as a family. We drove from Iowa to Boston, Iowa to Florida and Iowa to Nevada. We were able to have so many adventures and meet so many people. We learned a lot of history. He would happily read books and watch movies in the car and laugh so loud. He was so good at impressions and we would ask him to do them all the time. So grateful we have his kermit the frog impression. His bright smile and boisterous laugh are my favorites. Hailey does a great impression of Spencer’s laugh.
Spencer loved working at Lovejoys. He did not mind working with mostly girls at all. He would always come home and tell us who he worked with and what new flavors there were. He enjoyed mowing yards in our neighborhood and treated our riding mower like his car. He loved that independence. We are so proud of his hard working spirit.
Spencer had so many music playlists. He said he wasn’t good at playing music but he was good at music appreciation. He loves Coldplay, classic rock, disco, jazz, Cage the Elephant and Aqualung. It was always fun to hear his music. He even liked the Pina Colada song.
Spencer loved drawing flags when he was younger and would hang them all over the house. He would always correct us if we didn’t know which country the flag was from. When we lived in Iowa, Spencer would put on his beanie with a mask attached to keep him warm and go out and play in zero degrees. The kids made snowmen and snowcaves. They would buy and sell ice. Spencer would come home mad from school because the 2nd graders would mess up their snow forts. He was very invested in building. He taught William everything he knows abou lego building and was so patient with him. One time, he even built an 800 Chinese lego set for William. It took 8 hours and he didn’t give up until he was done. Those directions are not great.
Spencer is so gentle. He loved having baby chicks and caring for the chickens. A few weeks ago, Spencer, William and I were jumping on the trampoline (I had to go to the bathroom a few times), we chased each other and played crack the egg. Then we just laid together and watched the chickens. It is one of my favorite memories. I would lay on the couch and Spencer would sit in the rocking chair and we would talk about history and I would try to ask him hard questions to see if I could trick him a little. He usually knew the answer.
Whenever a group of kids came over, no matter the age, Spencer would end up sharing his toy weapons and army clothes and divide everyone up into teams and help them find bases. They would chase each other around and sometimes they would come in and say they couldn’t find Spencer because he hid so well.
William and Spencer would swim together and “blow stuff up”. There was always a game going on. Brooke and Spencer recently started to hang out more and even went to Roaring Springs and the Barbie movie together. Of course, he hated it and had many reasons why. Brooke and Spencer were able to commiserate about middle school and he would just tell her to stay out of the drama. Spencer was not one for drama. He was a peacemaker in our family. In Iowa, I would just see him sitting outside, reading a book and eating cereal for breakfast.
Spencer truly loves nature. He loves to hike. He always fulfilled his priesthood responsibilities quietly. He loved to go to the temple. He would get up early sometimes and go with friends and say my day is so much better now. He would be so happy even though he was tired. He always had good insights to gospel questions and would be able to explain things to other people. Spencer has quite an ability to share a quiet testimony of kindness and love.
Spencer is a chess master. He always beat me but said, “You almost got me this time.” He loved to play board games and card games. He taught me Star Realms kind of. He just said, “Just pick any of those cards” without telling me the benefits and I lost. But then he guided me and I almost beat him. He was such a good strategist.
Brooke loves that Spencer would misprounounce words like civilized as civilized and misheard lyrics like “Any way the wind blows” would be “hit me with a window”. I would say “What was that?” and we would all wait as he told us what he said then giggle. He was a good sport about it.
We homeschooled during COVID and while that was crazy, I’m so grateful for the time we all had together. This summer, we were able to go to Texas on Spencer’s first airplane ride. He got in the ocean and didn’t wear his boots. It was the best trip ever. We had a good summer with our family and got to spend alot of time together. I feel like these were a tender mercy from the Lord.
We have been so grateful and honored by your outpouring of love. We were all so shocked by this outcome. We have been uplifted by your prayers, dinners, flowers and kindness. We’re so grateful for the nurses and doctors at St. Alphonsus and the Cascade Life Family in Portland. When the doctor declared it an unrecoverable injury, the words “Organ donation” flooded my mind. I knew Spencer wanted to do that. He chose to turn a poor choice into a good outcome for six people and donate bones and skin. We are so proud of him for this choice and so grateful for the extra time we had with him. Spencer’s choice wasn’t anyone’s fault. Depression is hard to spot at times. We love Spencer so much and forever. We miss him so much. We are so grateful to be an eternal family. We know Spencer will be with us and will be doing important things. I can imagine him caring for our babies in heaven, reuniting with Blake’s brothers and our grandparents. I can imagine him healthy, confident and happy, at peace without a cloud over his mind. Linda K. Burton said all that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
I believe this. I believe The Lord knows everything from the beginning to the end. He knew Spencer would choose this. He knew we all would hurt from this choice. But he also provided His Son so our choices could be swallowed up in Jesus Christ. He freely gave His Son, it’s unbelievable to me because I don’t want to give up my son. But I know I can use the atonement knowing The Lord has already suffered these feelings and that he will succor us all. What a beautiful and comforting plan and message. During this whole process, we have felt “the peace that passeth all understanding.” It is incredible to feel peace during a tragic event but I know it’s through the spirit that we are able to be strengthened.
2. The next thing I wrote and presented was in our church congregation around a year after Spencer's death. Blake and I had been asked to speak together, thank goodness we could be together! I generally will never say no to speaking because I figure it is a way for me to learn and overcome fears. After speaking at Spencer's funeral, speaking other places feels like no big deal. I was asked to speak on gratitude, which had been a hard focus for me since Spencer's death. I wanted to focus on the crap and be sad. It is easier to focus on the meh of everything but the benefits are also meh.
My name is Heather Bell. Our family moved to Idaho 6 years ago. We lived in Kuna for 3 years and we’ve been here for 3 years. We have four kids, Hailey, Spencer, Brooke and William. We have lived in Rexburg, Las Vegas, LeClaire Iowa and Cedar Falls Iowa. We met at BYU Idaho at the end of January and were married in June. We have been married 22 years and moved 13 times! We are staying where we are at this point and are grateful that our house and yard give us endless opportunities to change and fix things and grow and learn. Blake and I like to fix old houses, using youtube and our dads as our teachers. Some of our favorite family things to do are traveling, we’ve been to 32 states. We like to find unique places to see, like the largest frying pan in Iowa or a chocolate store in someone’s basement store in Nebraska. We like to have bonfires, play games, watch little known movies and cook. If I could sum up each person in our family in a few words, it would be Blake: IT, yard work, hiking, Jimmy Johns. Heather: garden, writing, baking. Hailey: art, work, true crime, culinary arts. Spencer: history, Lovejoys, girls, camping. Brooke: rock climbing, friends, skin care, medical knowledge. William: legos, legos, friends and soccer.
It is hard to talk but it is easy to talk about gratitude with friends because I am so grateful for all of you. You all have such beautiful and unique gifts and have been such lights in our lives ever since we moved here. You embraced us and brought us into your special worlds, even though we live all the way up the hill and I am so grateful. I told my friend, I didn’t want to be grateful, I wanted to be grumpy. And sometimes that is life but being grateful is actually the medicine for grumpiness. Brooke was listening to a song while I was writing this and I think some of you will recognize it. It is called, “God is Good” I’m not going to rap it but the words are true and beautiful. The words are “Guess what? You woke up today. Put a big smile on your face.'Cause one thing ain't never gonna change God is good. all the time.If he ain't., then you lying. In the rain, in the shine.God is good all the time.” I love how the singer recognizes that waking up is a blessing, getting out of bed is a blessing, that God will never change and He will be there for us no matter the weather in our lives, whether it is down or up, He is good and He is there. I love how the song focuses on gratitude for who God is and for what He does for us instead of what we think should be happening or not happening.
Elder Uchtdorf gave a talk called, “Grateful in any circumstance”. I listened to it three times Friday while I was making honeycomb shatter at Lovejoys. I’ll admit I was still grumpy about the thought of talking but then Kimberly Black told me she was so excited to hear me talk! That was encouraging. Her positive attitude helped me. The title from Elder Uchtdorf’s talk, “grateful in any circumstance” was interesting because he didn’t say “grateful when things are awesome or be grateful so good things will happen” but he said “be grateful in any circumstance.” Some circumstances feel very heavy and hard and finding things to be grateful for is annoying. But Elder Uchtdorf said, “I have learned that there is something that would take away the bitterness that may come into our lives. There is one thing we can do to make life sweeter, more joyful, even glorious. We can be grateful! It might sound contrary to the wisdom of the world to suggest that one who is burdened with sorrow should give thanks to God. But those who set aside the bottle of bitterness and lift instead the goblet of gratitude can find a purifying drink of healing, peace, and understanding.” When I think of the bottle of bitterness, I see an old brown bottle, dirty and murky. But when I think of the goblet of gratitude, I think of something shiny and lovely, that is lifted and shared. It does feel very strange that you can be having a bad time and being grateful can ease your pain but it is true. There were times I couldn’t sleep when I was younger, thinking about worries or issues that needed to be resolved. I started solving this problem by thinking a thankful prayer. I usually started with Jesus, my family, clouds, the sky and trees and pretty soon, I was thinking about those beautiful things and not my worries. It would calm me and when I woke up in the morning, I had realized that being grateful had relaxed me enough to put me to sleep! I tried to pass this same trick on to my kids when they couldn’t sleep. Sometimes, it is hard for me to focus on gratitude instead of what is missing or what I want right now. But there are times I just look out the window and watch the leaves on the trees or see squirrels running around the yard and I am just amazed by the beauty all around us. I am amazed that Jesus Christ would make all of this for us to help ease the burdens of life and remind us of our true home and that the creations are for us. Just look outside and you’ll see so much to be grateful for.
I love this practice of gratitude but sometimes things in life are just difficult. Elder Uchtdorf has advice for that as well. “It is easy to be grateful for things when life seems to be going our way. But what then of those times when what we wish for seems to be far out of reach? Could I suggest that we see gratitude as a disposition, a way of life that stands independent of our current situation? In other words, I’m suggesting that instead of being thankful for things, we focus on being thankful in our circumstances—whatever they may be.” I am still trying to understand how to do this. I am trying to retrain my brain to focus on what is good and what is going right in my world, instead of what isn’t. It turns out that an attitude of gratitude is a choice, sometimes it is easy to make, sometimes it is hard. When I first started thinking of what to share, I wrote down some things I am grateful for: Jesus, Blake, my kids and family, the temple, trees, the ocean, friends, funny things, the youth, music, little kids, brownies, exercise, art, talents, our cats and chickens. And pretty soon, I had written so many things. I could have gone on for a long time. As I was writing, my heart and mind were being lifted. I wasn’t focusing on what wasn’t, I was focusing on what was. I was able to see so many ways Heavenly Father has blessed me and felt so grateful for Him. There have been many times in my life when I look around and think, “I can’t believe I got everything I asked for.”
Gratitude is contagious! It is the best kind of bug to get and one that I want to keep forever. When people feel grateful and express kindness, their brains release dopamine, which can create a natural high. This high can motivate people to express more gratitude and kindness. Just like I mentioned, when I was worried, feeling sad or down, or like nothing was right, recognizing and realizing what is going right and what is good helped me get going and feel better! It can create a positive energy People who are grateful tend to exude a positive energy that others are drawn to. I have been blessed to have wonderful examples of grateful people. People who look on the bright side and have hope. They have helped me through life and reminded me that there really is so much good to be found around us.And sometimes when things aren’t working out, all you can do is laugh or cry! I have been known to do both but man, it feels better to laugh at the ridiculousness of your situation sometimes! It can inspire others When people see others expressing gratitude, they may be inspired to do the same. Writing in a gratitude journal or sending a note or email to yourself or someone else can help you focus on the positive. It is also nice to look back on it when you’re having a hard time and remember and uplift yourself! Your past self is uplifting your current self. That is pretty incredible. When I was having some really hard days, the Spirit gave me the idea to write thank you notes to whoever came in my head. I actually ordered hundreds of thank you cards for two cents each so I could write them whenever I needed to. It made me happy to think of people receiving surprise cards in the mail instead of just ads for Carls Jr. Express gratitude regularly: Make a habit of expressing gratitude for both big and small things. Watch your words: Be aware of complaining and replace negative words with positive ones. I think these are achievable goals and can be done a little at a time so they will build up and become a way of life.
Another form of gratitude I’ve learned about is being grateful for the gifts I have been given to help me through life. As we have gone through Spencer’s death, I have been able to notice the gifts my family members have received from The Lord to help them through hard things. Blake has a calming spirit and can find funny things to entertain us. He focuses on the present and reminds me to live in the now. Hailey is a true caregiver and was blessed to care for Spencer at the hospital in a very tender and motherly way. She is hard-working and creative and finds peace in creating art. Brooke is a go-getter and encourages me to do things that feel hard, like starting my bakery again or going to the gym. She always has some upbeat and entertaining music playing and is social. She reminds me to be that way. William is a funny, whistling, lego master. He is easygoing and helps out with undesirable chores. He reminds me to slow down and read Calvin and Hobbes or shows me funny things. I’ve been given the gift of writing, which helps me process feelings. I’ve been able to write 75,000 words this year and get through some hard feelings instead of keeping them inside. I’ve learned a lot about gardening and can now grow beautiful flowers instead of weeds. I have been so amazed by the specific gifts that Heavenly Father has given us to work through and enjoy life, not just endure life.
President Nelson said, “When we comprehend His voluntary Atonement, any sense of sacrifice on our part becomes completely overshadowed by a profound sense of gratitude for the privilege of serving Him.” I have learned so much about this in my life and especially this past year. Isaiah 53 describes this beautifully. Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.
I love that Jesus loved us and still loves us. He loves us enough to give up what he wanted. He loves us enough to leave the Earth at a young age. He loves us enough to take on each and every one of our sins, sad feelings, anger, betrayal, physical pain and more so that He can truly know us as we are and help us and comfort us. There have been times he has just sat with me and agreed that life is hard and sometimes that is the answer for the time. There are times He boosts me and encourages and motivates me. There are times He helps me find someone to serve or to accept someone's service. When I choose to be grateful for what He is doing for me instead of wishing He would have done something else, then I can feel His strength. Elder Uchtdorf said Being grateful in our circumstances is an act of faith in God. It requires that we trust God and hope for things we may not see but which are true.8 By being grateful, we follow the example of our beloved Savior, who said, “Not my will, but thine, be done.”9True gratitude is an expression of hope and testimony. It comes from acknowledging that we do not always understand the trials of life but trusting that one day we will. It turns out that even thinking and researching about gratitude, was exactly what I needed going into this holiday season and for the rest of my life. Remembering that it is a choice to be grateful and to share gratitude in spite of circumstances will lift us and everyone around us. Life has its hard times but we can focus on the beautiful gifts Heavenly Father has given us. Those gifts are so bright and lovely that they can outshine the hard stuff or at least make the hard stuff, less pointy and sharp. I am committing to a daily attitude of gratitude. I might need to restart multiple times during the day but I am committing to it. I am grateful for Jesus Christ, for His love, care and mercy. That He accepts me and helps me to grow. That He carries me through life, even when I want Him to go away or I am mad at him or when I feel like He isn’t there. All I have to do is look around and look in the past and I can see Him there guiding me forward to reach goals and to find peace and gratitude. I read a quote by unknown that said, “It isn’t the joy that makes us grateful but the gratitude that makes us joyful.”
3. The final talk I gave was at our adult stake conference for church. I am a back row person. I prefer to sit in the back, enjoy the noisy and late people and then quietly leave! This presentation would put me in the front and I wasn't super comfortable with that. I felt a little bad for the man who called to ask me to speak. I know he feels uncomfortable speaking as well and would prefer to not be in the center of attention. But I knew I could talk with The Lord and Spencer's help. Writing the talk helped me to focus on The Lord and my covenants throughout the week. Much needed, since I earlier talked about my tendency to focus on the "meh". I was nervous about falling apart and not being able to get the message across. I prayed all week that I would be able to do it. And I did it. Well, The Lord, Spencer and I did it. It helps to speak when you truly believe in what you are speaking about. It is also very tender to recognize feelings and things you've learned as you have gone through the fires of life. After I spoke, there was an outpouring of love and support. It was kind but also a little overwhelming. Again, I prefer to do my thing, then escape. But maybe my little lessons have affected others. Maybe this horrible thing called suicide CAN turn into some beauty in the lessons learned and the changes made. I think what I am trying to say is these "opportunities to speak" might be showing little steps of growth in The Lord, a good measuring stick of where I am, where I came from and where I am headed.
My name is Heather Bell. Our family is part of the Meridian 5th ward. We have four kids: Hailey, Spencer, Brooke and William. We live on an acreage and have an older house and are continually working on fixing and repairing and improving it. Sometimes, I just want to give up but then I remember how far we have come. We went from huge piles of dead rotten leaves, overgrown trees and weeds everywhere to no dead leaves, more flowers and plants and green grass. We had three bathrooms original to 1979, one even had trout wallpaper and another one had a toilet issue where the toilet leaked on our 20th anniversary through the garage ceiling. We have replaced and fixed and are still working on them. It is hard work. We have learned a lot, our kids have learned a lot and our friends have learned a lot. We are blessed to have what we wanted 20 years ago. I wrote in my journal that we wanted land to grow things on. It has come with it’s hard times and rewards but we continue on building and growing. It helps when I remember that this is what I initially wanted and asked for when Blake and I were living in a 2 bedroom apartment with 2 kids in Las Vegas. We have moved multiple times and each time, we worked on improving our house and yard, bringing the kids along on our DIY journeys. The Lord blessed us with a little more knowledge each time. We have had a lot of beauty in our lives. We have been able to visit 30 states with our kids, played, worked, met a lot of wonderful people, laughed alot, made a lot of inside jokes and had alot of adventures. Part of our journey together has involved some pretty difficult and strenuous experiences. In the past ten years, two of Blake’s brothers passed away, we’ve had five miscarriages and our sweet son Spencer passed away by suicide almost 19 months ago. To say it has been a lot is an understatement. When I reflect back on all these events, I must say that the thing that has given me comfort, hope and help has been Jesus Christ. I have learned a new sense of what it means to cry to The Lord and that He cries with us. I have spent a lot of time crying, wondering, asking why and doubting myself and my parenting. I have spent a lot of time in the temple. When I am starting to fall apart, I know it is time to get back to the temple. That is a few times a month. The temple is one of the only places I can find real peace. I can go in totally sad and exhausted and come out peaceful and have more strength. Our situation hasn't changed but I can feel the love of The Lord. I am able to help family members receive their temple blessings. I have been able to learn more about them and I feel invested in who they are as family members. Doing family history work feels like something special that Spencer and I can do together. I often hope he is helping send ideas of people who we can learn from or who need their temple work done. I am encouraged when I learn of relatives who have had tragedies and have found the way through. I am always reminded of the promises I have made in the temple. The ones Heavenly Father and I have made to each other and the promises I have made with Blake and our family. There is truly nothing more important to me than our family. It is hard to be a parent, it is hard to be a grieving parent but I have learned that Heavenly Father and Mother are grieving parents as well. They are joyful, sorrowful, kind, patient and loving parents. They are the perfect example to me. They show me what it means to wait on the covenants I have made. They remind me of who I am meant to be, not who the world says I am, but who I am because of the love of my heavenly parents and the atonement of Jesus Christ. I came across a quote the other day by Patricia Holland that I have thought about repeatedly. “My personality was created to fit precisely the mission and talents [God] gave me. ... I have found that I have untold abundant sources of energy to be myself. But the moment I indulge in imitation of my neighbor, I feel fractured and fatigued and find myself forever swimming upstream. When we frustrate God’s plan for us, we deprive this world and God’s kingdom of our unique contributions, and a serious schism settles in our soul. God never gave us any task beyond our ability to accomplish it. We just have to be willing to do it our own way. We will always have enough resources for being who we are and what we can become.” I have thought often about the gifts God has blessed us with to endure through difficult things. I don’t believe He leaves us alone but helps us to find and increase talents and characteristics that will lead us to joy. I have learned what it means to “belong to Christ through covenants” as described by Elder John A McClune in the last conference. In accepting Christ, repenting, loving Him and others, I am connected and sealed to Him. We are bonded and though I can’t see Him, which is hard for me, I can feel His love. I can hear the promptings and ideas He has for me. Some make sense and some don’t. Some I want to do and some I don’t. But I have found that He is willing to talk to me always and I want to be willing to listen and do what he says. I am learning to trust that His ways are greater than my ways, that having faith and trust in Him means having faith and trust in the covenants we have made. Elder McCune talked about the word disciple meaning Japanese is “deshi”. “De” means younger brother and “shi” meaning child. It made me think of Jesus Christ being our older and wiser brother, one who should be honored and respected. One who knows the way. A guide and trusted confidant. I would say that He has always been there. I have been able to talk, laugh, cry, yell and scream at Him. He is there. He takes it. He helps me even when I doubt Him. He helps me when I don’t want Him to, when I am full of sadness and regret. I made my temple covenants 23 years ago this June. I had always wanted to go upstairs in the Las Vegas temple where the Celestial room was. I wondered and wanted to be sealed in the temple, to make covenants. I can’t remember a ton about my first time through the temple, but I do remember love and gratitude. I remember feeling loved. I asked my family what their covenants mean to them. William said, he feels less stressed about schoolwork. That made me think of our troubles and worries being temporary, but our covenants are not temporary. They are forever and the only thing that lasts forever. Blake said he has seen more blessings than he ever expected from his covenants. The work takes time and effort and we go on faith and hope. The more we practice keeping our covenants, the more we will see the blessings from keeping our covenants. I have often prayed to see the blessings from my covenants. One of them is being able to go to the Celestial Room and be still. It feels like I am in Heavenly Father’s living room. I almost expect that He will walk through the door and I love imagining that. I asked my kids the other day, “What would happen if Jesus just popped over to our house?” They didn’t really know what to say and it is kind of a funny question but I said I would be so surprised and overwhelmed, then I would ask Him to sit down on our couch and be with us. I would try not to apologize for any messes but He wouldn’t need an apology. He sees us for who we are and loves us for who we are. He is proud of us for trying. My covenants point my thoughts toward Jesus Christ. When our kids were young, I had an idea to teach them that our covenants provide us with protection, power, and peace. These can be consistent as we live our covenants and encourage others to make and keep their covenants. We are all in this together and I have come to find that the power of a group of people doing good is absolutely the power of Jesus Christ working through us. I have spent alot of time dwelling on how long it might be before I am with Spencer again. I don’t know, it is hard not to know. It is hard to miss our son constantly. But the other day, I was driving and feeling a bit mopey, when my heart was lifted and I just felt and knew that I would be with Spencer again someday. It was a necessary reminder so that I could hang on longer, so that I could hang on to Jesus longer, so that I could hang on to my covenants longer. Elder Oakes said, “The highest blessings are given to those who make and keep covenants in advance.” The Lord gifts us with blessings for making our efforts in faith. He teaches us that we can receive through His word and by trying His word out. Many times, when I am in the yard, fighting the weeds or planting seeds, I have thought, “It is a lot harder to grow plants than to grow weeds, but the joy that comes from growing flowers and creating something beautiful is worth all the effort.” I have sometimes squealed when I see a flower growing from something I started as a tiny seed. It gives me the strength to continue on in our yard. It is the same with covenants. I started my covenant journey as an eight year old. I loved being baptized so much, I wanted to do it again. I remembered that feeling. Then I was able to make my temple covenants and be sealed to Blake and all our kids, those who would live with us on earth and those who would live with us in heaven. The Lord allowed me to feel comfort in knowing that I would be with all my people forever, even if my time on earth with them was cut short. I have to remind myself every day, many times, that these trials are temporary but covenants are forever. They are the example of God’s love. Another lesson I have learned is that The Lord has already done all the work. He has already felt the pain. He has already taken on my mistakes and sins and anger and weakness. He has done it. He loves me. He loves us all. He chose to redeem me, whether I accept Him or not, I have been redeemed. In Latin, the word “redimere” means to buy back, to free from captivity. He will free me from my fears and sorrows by reminding me that I can keep my covenants to experience a fullness of joy. I have learned that the fullness of joy is not the absence of sorrow. I feel incredibly sad about the death of Spencer. It is still unreal in so many ways but also so real. When I have faith and stick to my end of my covenants though, I do have faith that The Lord will provide me with what I need and more, even if I have to wait. Our covenants are connected to the atonement of Jesus Christ. We get to make covenants through Him and we are bound to Him because of our covenants. We are able to be freed from captivity, bondage, grief, fear, anger, sadness. We belong to Him and with Him. I recently was thinking of what The Lord means when He says to be like a little child. I didn’t understand that very well when our kids were small because they would be crazy at the store and just be funny little people. But I have come to learn that He means trusting. A 3 year old trusts their parents. They believe that their parent will protect them and care for them. They focus on right now and not tomorrow. They love Jesus without hesitation. My covenants remind me that I CAN be like a child. I can make promises and then know that The Lord will take care of me. I can trust that He knows what He is doing even when we don’t. That His whole plan is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man and to make beauty from ashes. Since pondering on this topic, I have come to realize that my life and my covenants are wound together in so many ways. It is a beautiful plan He has given us, for free. While I don’t think my spirit knew how hard things would be sometimes, it gives me comfort to know He is there with me in the difficulties. He sends earthly and heavenly angels to us. I believe He lives! I am working on putting in the effort to know these things consistently and leaning on them always. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment