Choose (5 minute prompt)

Choose

2/28/14

Choose: to pay a utility bill or pay tithing while very poor in college.  We chose tithing and received a surprise check in the mail that covered the utilities.

Choose: to have a baby when I was scared to death or continue on avoiding it.  We chose to have a baby and ended up with the sweetest red haired girl that has taught me more in 9 years than I have learned most of my life. 

Choose: to continue having babies after the red head was thoroughly insanely two years old.  We chose to have three more sweethearts that have completely filled my life and soul.

Choose: to move to Rexburg to go to college without knowing a single person.  I chose to go to Rexburg and my whole life has been patterned after that choice.  Everything good I have was because I went to college in a small wintery town in Idaho.

Choose: to marry Blake after only knowing him five months.  I chose to marry him and it wasn’t even a hard choice. It was one of those choices that comes so easily and naturally that it feels like it was never a choice, but the natural course of life.

Choose: to move back to Las Vegas after swearing I never would.  We chose to go back to Las Vegas and Blake was able to find his career path from this move.  We were able to push through hard things. We were able to work diligently to get what we needed.

Choose: to move to Iowa while quite pregnant.  We chose to make the move and has been the best choice of our marriage.  We have become stronger, happier and kinder.  Our kids are each other’s best friends. 

These choices have grown me in ways I never thought possible.  And each small choice has led me on the path I am.  Whether easy or hard, these choices have made me and I am so grateful for the opportunity to make choices.

Brave (5 minute prompt)

Brave 2/27/14

Brave is my sweet 7 year old Hailey going to a new school in March.  I walked her into the school with the other kids.  We met her teacher and class and then I left her.  The teacher was friendly and kind.  The kids were sweet and welcoming.  They knew her name.  They knew she was coming and everything was set up.  But I couldn’t believe how brave she was.  To enter a school at the end of the school year without knowing a soul and sitting in that chair and taking on the world.  And coming out alive.  And doing it again the next day and the next day.  When the kids had already made their friends and they all live in a small town, Hailey made her way into the circle and became one of them.  I almost cried leaving her at the school because I was afraid. I was afraid she would be afraid.  What if people were mean to her?  What if nobody played with her at recess?  What if she was lonely and sad? What if it was awful and she didn’t tell me.  And I wouldn’t be able to help her?  But she was fine.  She made it and she did it with gusto.  And she didn’t even realize how brave she was or how brave I think she is.  She just thinks it is a normal thing and that is the bravest girl I know.

Comfort (5 minute prompt)

Comfort 2/26/14

The ability to comfort has always been one I wanted.  I have wanted to hug at the right time, say the right words, smile, cry and laugh in the right places.  This is harder than it seems.  Sometimes you want to just yell at the person.  Say, "If you hadn't done this or this, then you wouldn't be in this situation."  Or to the kid, "I told you that was hot."  Or "I told you to do your homework." Or "I told you that friend was a brat."  But I don't.  Instead I say nothing or I hug or offer a prayer or hopefully some words of comfort that will actually work or mean something.  The gift of comfort is a true blessing.  I know people who have it. They are usually 50 years or older.  They have had the years of experience and the time to practice. I know that as a mother, I have learned to get better at it.  To just hug when they fall off the chair you told them not to stand on.  Instead of getting mad, hugging them.  When you feel like strangling them, look into their sweet tear filled eyes and say, "I love you" and help them, even when you don't feel like they deserve it.  Comfort them because comfort is what lasts.  Because they will remember "that one time" when mom helped me when I didn't deserve it or when she didn't feel like it or when I felt like I didn't need it or want it.  Because sometimes all you need is a big hug or a "way to go" and you can move forward.  Because comfort is hard to come by but easy to give.  Because if we all comforted each other, what  a happier world this would be. Because if we encouraged and uplifted and helped then we wouldn't need to downplay or insult.  Because comfort is something that lasts.

Fly (5 minute post)

Fly 2/26/14

There was a fly.  A horrid fly who wouldn't die.  It flew around the house.  Flew through the dining room, curious to what dinner was and trying to figure out how to get a taste.  Flew around my bedroom and specifically annoyed me when I was trying to take a nap.  Even as I covered my head with a blanket, it would drop and buzz right by my ear.  The most annoying pest.  It's only redeeming quality was that it reminded me of summer.  We had been blanketed in snow and cold for two months and the fly reminded me that there was a time that we were outside.  There was a time that we played in the water and the sun and the flowers and leaves were plentiful.  There was a time when we had to put up fly paper to catch all the flies since the kids kept leaving the door open.  This fly had had a friend in the house.  Two flies soaring and swooping and annoying.  Their common goal: to irritate.  One day, Blake squished that fly with the fly swatter.  I only counted one fly and asked what happened to the other and Blake happily said he had killed it.  He mentioned going after the other and oddly enough, I felt sad because the buzz reminded me of hope of summer!  One day, I noticed that the fly was gone.  Nowhere to be found and the buzz was missing.  I felt a sadness because the hope was gone.  And the fly was gone and I wondered when we would see spring.

Reflect (5 minute prompt)

Reflect 2/22/14

It was a morning, a cold winter’s morning, when I went to pull William from his bed.  My sleepy and yummy smelling 20 month old.  The newness still there, yet starting to be turned into an older kid.  His baby face becoming a big boy face and his downy baby hair turning into the hair of an older child.  His sleepy face smiles at me and his baby words come out.  He is excited to be alive.  Each day new.  Each day an adventure.  The wonderment of what is to come.  Trains, cars and balls are the highlight of his life.  The simple pleasures that God has blessed him with as his beginning years.  Such a blessing to not understand the troubles of the world or the stress of the future.  An ignorant bliss, yet, he doesn’t even know of his ignorance.  I lay him on his big brother’s bed to tickle his belly and love him and he hugs me and wraps his chubby arms around me as much as he can.  His little hands not even reaching halfway. I nuzzle his ear and then look into his sweet eyes, those blue eyes that won’t quit.  Large and full of wonder.  And I see myself in his eyes.  A reflection, a distorted and contorted reflection.  And I know that he sees me.  He sees me how I am, but he doesn’t see my inadequacies or all my faults.  He doesn’t see them and he doesn’t want to see them.  And I imagine my reflection in his eyes.  All my actions will be reflected in him.  He will do the things I do.  Speak as I speak. Act as I act. He will be a reflection of me, a distorted reflection, but still a reflection nonetheless.  My work is to make the reflection the best it can be.

Fight (5 minute prompt)

Fight 2/22/14

“Don’t fight me!” I say it constantly throughout the day to my children.  Don’t fight me to get dressed, brush your teeth, brush your hair, eat your food, do your chores, do your homework.  Don’t fight me because you won’t win.  Because this isn’t a competition, but because I am trying to form you into a good and useful human being.  One who is clean, helpful, healthy, kind and loving.  I am stubborn and have become more stubborn since having children.  I can wait out a long awaited poop on the potty. I can wait out a never ending tantrum. I can wait out a time out, a freak out, a screaming fit. I can wait it out because I have been trained.  My children have trained me in the art of patience.  They have trained me to keep my emotions in check (mostly) and to think neutrally.  They have trained me to think before I speak, to think before I act, to think before I possibly hurt their feelings.  I have often told people, Children come in to this world selfish.  They aren’t doing it on purpose but in the beginning, babies are needy.  They need you!  And their needs are quite basic.  They need food, diapers changes, sleep and love.  Their schedules are dependent on their needs.  Our job is to transition the selfish child into a kind and good child, a child who is service oriented and thoughtful of others.  And in the process of molding my children, they have molded me.  They have molded my selfish ways into something more.  They turned my need for freedom and selfish desires into better things.  “Don’t fight me!” I tell them, but their fighting has changed me and I will be forever grateful for their fighting.

See (5 minute prompt)

See 2/22/14

Sometimes I wish I could see the future.  I want to be sure of things. I want to know what is going to happen.  Take the surprise out of it and lessen my anxiety.  For example: Will I live to see my grandchildren?  Great grandchildren?  Will my kids live long and happy lives? Will they continue to love God and have a desire to do good?  Will I get to Ireland? When will we be able to buy a house again?  When will the student loans be paid off?  Will our fifth kid be our last?  Will I need another?  Could I manage six kids?  Will my kids go to the West coast for college and will I want them to?  Will we stay in Iowa forever?!  Will I ever be able to stop biting my nails?  Will I ever fit into my wedding dress?  Will I open my bakery? Will I be a librarian?  Will I write a book? Will it be snippets or a novel?  Will we go to Spain?  Will I go to the Lake District in England?  Will my kids be bullied and hope they won’t be the bully to others?  What does the future hold?  I wonder these things often.  I sometimes have to pray that I won’t be overwhelmed with anxious feelings of “What ifs” and be afraid of what could happen.  Because seeing the future won’t change the future.  What is going to happen, will happen.  Seeing it now won’t change it.  Knowing my future won’t make it any better or worse and it certainly won’t make my present any better.  Because then I would be counting down to events.  Living in the future, instead of living in the present.  No matter how easy or hard the present might currently be. I must live in it and appreciate the beauty and difficulty and messiness.  Because the present is today and I can never get it back.