Open (5 minute post)

I wrote this while sitting on the couch at church waiting for my daughter to get out of an activity.

Open

I like to think I am an open book. I like to think that I am friendly and forthcoming about my life.  I like to think that.

But I am kind of wrong.

I was once talking to a friend I had made in Iowa and she mentioned that, “Yes, you are a little hard to get to know at first.  But then you open up after awhile.”  I thought she was crazy!  I try to be nice and friendly.  Then my other friend I made in Iowa said the same thing after I asked her.   As I thought about it, I realized, I am a little closed up, a little guarded. 

I don’t know why. I know a lot of people. I know their kids names and things about them.  But to make plans with them really takes an effort on my part.  Do we match? Do our kids match?  Can I be myself around them? The true self.  The sometimes goofy, crazy, emotional self?  I don’t know. 

I have a few friends in life who have really gotten to know me, outside of my family, of course.  Tara, my longest friend to my college roommates to my newest friend, Karen.  And many others.  As I thought about it, I kept thinking about all those people.  And I think maybe I am less guarded than I thought?  Maybe I am open?  But I think that right connection just works and you make a friend and you are friends for life.  The end. I will check on you. I will call you after you have a baby.  I will text you hilarious memories from the past.  And I will be grateful for the list of friends that have been grouped through the years.  And when we have become friends long enough, we will be neighbors on our best friend street in heaven.

 

Visit

5 minute prompt from Kate Montaug.  Join in with us!  I wrote this while laying on the couch and watching Friends.  Conditions don't have to be perfect.

Visit

To have a visit with my future self or my past self for that matter.  What would I tell my past self?

Stop worrying about your weight, looks, clothes, etc.

Love yourself.

Give compliments.

Be where you are and be happy about it.

Play with abandon.

Don’t stress over the crumbs so much.

Take care of yourself.

Love and listen.

Listen fully.

Be friendly.

Don’t be afraid.

All the things that we look back and regret or just wish to change. Though I don’t feel like I have many regrets, my only one is not going to Europe during college, but those little moments when you just think, “Why did I do that/say that/think that?” Did it really matter?  Did it change my life?  Well, future self.

Love more.

Smile and laugh, many times in the day. Even if you have to make a conscious effort to remember to do it!

Snuggle and relax with the family.

Stop having an agenda so often.

Go skydiving. Overcome your biggest fear!

Use all your lotion, perfume, make up. 

Use your time wisely.

Grow some plants and let them live in your house.

Make that soufflé already!

And in the meantime, don’t regret things. Don’t stress about the future or the past or the present. Just be and be what you need and want to be. Not what someone else thinks you should be.  Just be.

 

Me, last summer in my hometown of Las Vegas.  I was watching my kids chase geese and my friend took this picture. 

Why I am going to take more pictures with my kids

Why I am taking more pictures with my kids

Have you ever seen the old time pictures of mom and daughter in the foaming surf

Or standing outside the family home, seemingly too small for 8 people to live in

Or outside the brand new car before seatbelts and airbags?

I am sure you have and the best part of these pictures, for me, is the togetherness. 

And the oldness, the black and white, weathered, worn, beaten down by time spent in

A basement or

An attic or

An old chest.

Before they knew what photo preservation was.

Before they knew that air can ruin photos.

(My Grandma Rogers, Kathryn)

Before the time of millions of pictures online

Before you could share your whole life story

Or your childs

Or your husbands

And even make money on your life story!

The pictures are treasured. They are framed, even in their wrinkled and torn and water damaged style.

There are descriptions on the back, Mom and Aunt Jo, 1948.

Family vacation, Laguna Beach, 1965

Dale and Kathryn’s wedding.  October 1942

(My Mother's parents)

The only wedding picture because they were married on Halloween, the night before he shipped out

To recover ships in WWII.

They are precious because they were few and far between.

I have thought about this piece for six months now.

Ever since our family went out West and my sister in law took a picture of me with my children

At a water park

In my bathing suit.

Something that normally doesn’t happen because, well,

Who wants to see all that?

So, the picture was taken and I was pleasantly surprised

Not because I didn’t look half bad after having four kids and exercising pretty hard core for a year.

But because of the joy on my face

And my Hailey's face





It was a moment frozen in time.  A beautiful moment where life was

Abandoned

Carefree

Joyful

Summer

Escape.

And I hoped that when I died in many, many years

That this photo would be used at my funeral.

An odd thought, I know.

But I wanted to be remembered as this person.

The one who was brave and carefree and living in the moment.

The one who drove halfway across the U.S. alone with four kids.

The one who had lived life instead of waiting for life to happen to her.

Even though it is just a snapshot of a moment

It is one of my favorite moments.

And I wonder about all those other pictures of moms with their children.

What were they thinking?

Had the day been awful?

Had the day been perfect?

Was she lonely or sad or happy?

Did she work outside the home?

Did she have a garden or like to cook or like to have babies?

Who was she?

What was her story?

So, I can pretend that I know that mom.

The one on the seashore or at the park or the birthday party.

And I can think of her as a dear old friend who was right in the motherhood craziness with me.

Despite our generations apart, we could understand each other and our noble calling as

Mothers.

Here are a few shots of me and the kids.  I am trying to get a real view of what my mothering life looked like: the good, the bad and the ugly. Because when my girls or other future girls in my family are losing it over motherhood or loving motherhood or just wanting a real view of what motherhood is like, I can give it to them.  And I can remember just how hard and wonderful and crazy and funny it is to be a mother of young children.

 The kids and I reading one night.  It was a goucho pants kind of day.

William loving the water.  See, another swimsuit picture.  I'm trying here, people!

At the end of a hike with my dad and kids and cousins this summer.

Reading with William

I remember this day clearly because the house was a bomb and we were having the missionaries over.  When all else fails, forget the house and have a tickle fight.  Super responsible.

 

 

Wait (5 minute prompt)

Writing along with Kate Montaug on five minute Friday (a few days late.)   Join with us!
I am also going to start something new for all you wonderful people out there, just waiting to begin a writing journey of your own.  I am going to let you know where I wrote each piece.
For example: My two youngest were upstairs making up a chanting song and I can hear them playing "bedtime".  I have had 10 minutes to sit and take care of this prompt and post it.  Yes, they are arguing a little bit, but if I wait until they aren't fighting or asleep, this might never happen!

 

Wait

I have always loved Dr. Seuss and especially “Oh the Places You’ll Go”.  It’s just a great book for all ages.  The line that gets me is this one:

“…for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting. (18)

And I have often felt a kinship with that line.  My life is happy. It is full. It is a good one. One that I never imagined would be mine because well, God knows me better than I know me.  And my past imagined life wasn’t nearly as wonderful as my current life is. 

But I have been in “the waiting place”.  When will we buy a house?  When will we have a baby?  Will we settle down? 

Waiting for a free moment to write or to read or to do something I want to do in the middle of a normal day. 

Like today.

Well, I say, NO! to being in the waiting place.  Or at least I can be in the waiting place but the waiting doesn’t have to define me.  I can live happily where I am and do what I want to do or have always dreamed of doing. I don’t need to wait until the house is perfect, until the kids are older, until we make more money, until we have a house.

I can take what I have right now and turn away from the waiting place.  Because what really comes of waiting?  Missed opportunities and regrets.

If you wait, you might miss this...



I Give Up!

I Give Up

                Hailey never really said, “I give up.” It wasn’t her phrase. But Spencer uses that phrase constantly.  It is sometimes said with a smile because he knows it drives me crazy.  It is sometimes said half-heartedly because he isn’t completely frustrated yet.  And it is sometimes said in anger because he has reached his breaking point.  I would always respond by trying to help him or getting him to continue working on the problem.  Mostly it would work out. 

                However, Brooke has started to say the hated phrase. The thought of giving up is so frustrating to me because in my mind, there is always a way to solve the problem. I was thinking about how to respond one day, when I had the thought to tell them that they aren’t allowed to say, “I give up.” anymore.  Instead, they can say, “I am taking a break.”  Because don’t we all need a break in life?  We all get frustrated and I did want to validate their feelings but I didn’t want them to get fixated on the concept of giving up.  By saying, “I am taking a break”, they are admitting their problem and accepting that they need to start over or try again later.  I am 100% fine with that. 

                We all have times in our lives when we want to give up, throw in the towel and call it good. But giving up never did anyone good.  Giving up in motherhood can cause serious problems in the present and the future.  But taking a break for an hour or five minutes or a day or even more can be rejuvenating.  For me, taking a break is actually sitting still during quiet time and playing a game with my daughter or writing a piece that has been going through my head or baking orange muffins or reading a book.  For me, taking a break while the kids are awake could be laying on the floor and playing barbies or trains or reading a book or doing a craft or watching a show.  After these breaks, I suddenly feel like I could take on the world again!  I am not as irritable.  I have not given up on my mothering abilities or myself.  So, I say, during the hard times, those days when your heart just isn’t in it, maybe you shouldn’t force yourself to be in it.  Maybe you should just take a break and realize that moms are humans too.  That we are allowed to have a day off or however much time we need off and life will continue on.  And it will continue on in a better way.   Because after a break, our heads are clearer and the focus is there.  And suddenly the messy house or laundry or fighting children don’t matter as much.

My "giving up" culprits, picture right and left

Share

5 minute Friday with Kate Matoung

Share

Why is it so hard sometimes to share how I am really feeling?

Someone will ask, “How are things going?”

And I’ll say, “Fine. Everything is good.”

Then, I’ll really think about it and say, “Hey, it’s not fine.  My house is messy. My kids are crazy.  My future is uncertain. We live far from our families.  I need to eat healthier” 

So, is that fine?

Is that ok?

Am I ok with the fact that my “fine” is just a regular day of regular thoughts and regular actions?

Am I fine with knowing that we are stable as a family but maybe not so stable in Iowa? At least for the long term?

Am I fine with knowing that we don’t know if we will have another baby or not? 

Even as I type this, I am thinking, I can’t share this because then everyone will know how I am feeling and they will try to check in on me to make sure things are “fine”.

When really I just write what I feel better than I can think what I feel.

When I think about it, I go around in circles and end up nowhere.

When I write about it, I find an answer or at least a release and I also feel productive because

Hey, I just took 5 minutes out of my day to write.

So, write it out. Share it out.  Or maybe don’t share it out, but at least my writing it, I am sharing with someone who really needs to figure out my feelings…

And that someone is me.

 

 

Go Create something today!

The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul –Dieter F. Uchtdorf

                I believe we were born with the desire to create.  As young children, we use our imaginations to create fantastical worlds, relive the pioneer days, play army or house.  Many of us dream of the days that we will have a house of our own and a family of our own.  Many dream of our future job or college or just our next meal.  But whatever we create in this life, we will be remembered for.  We were designed to create.  We can create children, such a true miracle.  We can create peace, war, happiness, anger.  All events, good or bad, can be a result of our attempts at creating.  Dieter F. Uchtdorf said, “Creation means bringing into existence something that did not exist before—colorful gardens, harmonious homes, family memories, flowing laughter.”  Whatever we create will be unique to us. 

When I was a girl, I loved to create.  I would create a house made of children’s books on the floor.  Each book was assigned a room, handwritten in my girlish handwriting: kichen, dinning room, bedrom, bahtroom.  Each one served a purpose.  I loved creating an imaginary home for my Barbie dolls.  And the home was real to me. 

                When I was a girl, I loved creating art projects.  I would use all the glue and all the glitter.  I never professed to be an artist, but I did try to follow the directions and even color outside the lines.  I loved art, the paper mache, the macaroni noodles, the pencils which created “perspective”.  (I never could achieve that astistic ability.)

                When I was a girl, I loved creating writing journals.  I would write lines from school plays in my journal during church.  (A trait that was passed on to my oldest daughter.)  I would write my feelings, my thoughts and during college, I wrote in a journal every day.  Let me tell you, those journals could create a movie worth millions. 

                Now, that I am a “grown up”, I still love to create.  My pinterest boards are full of DIY projects, recipes both time consuming and five minute fixes, and sewing projects.  I have craft ideas for the kids, holiday crafts, lego crafts, paper crafts.  Anything that can be made with hands.  And when I pin something that I know I will never get to, I imagine that I will fill my days, twenty years from now, learning how to hand crochet, using pallets for projects and staining pieces of wood to look like Pottery Barn knock offs. 

                I spent time doing art projects with my kids.  I should spend more time doing art projects, because when I am finished, I am calmer.  Despite my unfinished work: the dishes, unorganized baby clothes, that laundry load undone,  I feel amazing just by creating a pretty abnormal version of a sunset with Crayola watercolors.  I feel happy helping my kids paint a paper plate frog, or a snowman or their name out of pipe cleaners.  The feeling of accomplishment, no matter how small the task, is not something you can manufacture.  It comes with the ability to create.  A pure happiness of adding more beauty to the world and teaching your kids that they have the ability to create that same beauty.

                However we decide to create, we are creating a footprint.  That needlework, that thank you card, that crocheted scarf, that secret recipe for chocolate chip cookie bars just might be passed down to generations.  Just might inspire someone to say, “I want that as a hobby.”  Might inspire your kids to follow in your ways.  Might inspire others to want to create a more peaceful, beautiful, happy world.  God gave us this ability to create because He wanted us to find happiness in our creations.  And we are His creations, His greatest accomplishments.  And I don’t want to do Him wrong by wasting any abilities He might have given me.

                 Therefore, my goal is to create more.  To stop pinning and start doing.  To feel the satisfaction that comes with completing something, from turning my pile of odds and ends fabric into that crazy quilt (or two or three) that has been waiting to be made.  Making that scarf that I watched instructions for on youtube that looked so easy.  To write more and complete all the ideas I've had swimming around my head, even with my kids up and needing things and loving me. To learn how to write amid the chaos or to write after the chaos goes to bed. To finish the story about the little brown house we lived in that my friend says would be a great children's book, to type up the writings I completed in writing group (my hard drive was ruined), to finish my A to Z about my husband. In doing so, I know I will feel more peace (my goal for the year) and fulfillment in all aspects of my life.  And maybe I'll have a new scarf to wear in a few weeks.

 I was inspired to write this by this talk.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

The kids and I agree that God is the most amazing artist.