Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Now (5 minute prompt)

Now (5 minute prompt)
Wrote this sitting by William while he watched Angry Birds cartoon (Heaven help me) after school.

Now is a hard place to live sometimes.  Now is real and messy and difficult and beautiful and fun and painful.  It is exhausting at times and can’t get enough at others.  It is crying and laughing and playing and resting and being.  It is grocery store runs, laundry, homework and toys, games and scriptures, baths and cleaning.  It’s a lot.  My now a few years back, like 15 was college. Oh, how that now was so different than this now. That now was full of papers, work, dates, poorness, late nights, early mornings, roommates, friendships, rice burritos and freedom.  That was a now that was pretty easy to live because it was all about me. I did what I wanted when I wanted and my money (what little I had) went where I wanted it to go.  But it was also empty in a way because while I did love my roommates like family and still talk to a few of them, they didn’t fill the hole that Blake and the kids fill. They didn’t force me to grow past my capabilities.  They didn’t make me think about going to bed early so I can have patience for tomorrow. They didn’t change my schedule by being sick or tired or grumpy.  And if they did, I could run away and ignore it until they got over it.  It was an easy “now” and the freedom it afforded was the perfect thing for me at that time.  But my current now, at least during school time, is strange for me. I have gone from 12 years of constant needing and helping and changing diapers and washing faces and reading stories to just me again.  It is quite a change and a weird change.  It is sometimes lonely and usually quiet and sometimes empty.  It is a now that I have yet to get used to.  It makes me miss my old times with the kids.  Sure, they fight and are grumpy but they also hug and love and share and kiss. They smile and snuggle and make huge messes and then sometimes fight me about cleaning up the huge messes.  I am coming off of winter break where I had the consistency of kids that I was used to.  We had the freedom of staying up late, sleeping in, eating what we wanted, doing what we wanted without a schedule or demand.  And today they were at school and it was weird and quiet again.  Instead of going to the gym like I had planned, I took a nap, read some books, cooked some food, paid some bills. All in the quiet.  I do like quiet but over the years my “now” has not been quiet.  It has been LOUD!  And I guess that is the trial that some of us mothers face.  Yes, the craziness of kids is something to get used to but once you are used to it, you just don’t know how you’ll live without it.  I know the kids will come home in approximately 30 minutes and they might be fighting or they might be happy and I have to accept whatever mood they come home in.  But they will be home.  And my purpose will be fulfilled again.  Yes, my days are mostly filled with child related tasks, cleaning, cooking and laundry and errands, but somehow it is much more fulfilling when they are right here by me.  When they are making it take double the time and I can see them and hear them and love them.

I really liked this because it is so true to all the different "nows" in life.  Learning to accept them is the hardest part. (Found here)

No comments:


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...