Now (5 minute prompt)
Wrote this sitting by William while he
watched Angry Birds cartoon (Heaven help me) after school.
Now is a hard place to live
sometimes. Now is real and messy and
difficult and beautiful and fun and painful.
It is exhausting at times and can’t get enough at others. It is crying and laughing and playing and
resting and being. It is grocery store
runs, laundry, homework and toys, games and scriptures, baths and cleaning. It’s a lot.
My now a few years back, like 15 was college. Oh, how that now was so
different than this now. That now was full of papers, work, dates, poorness,
late nights, early mornings, roommates, friendships, rice burritos and
freedom. That was a now that was pretty
easy to live because it was all about me. I did what I wanted when I wanted and
my money (what little I had) went where I wanted it to go. But it was also empty in a way because while
I did love my roommates like family and still talk to a few of them, they didn’t
fill the hole that Blake and the kids fill. They didn’t force me to grow past
my capabilities. They didn’t make me
think about going to bed early so I can have patience for tomorrow. They didn’t
change my schedule by being sick or tired or grumpy. And if they did, I could run away and ignore
it until they got over it. It was an
easy “now” and the freedom it afforded was the perfect thing for me at that
time. But my current now, at least
during school time, is strange for me. I have gone from 12 years of constant
needing and helping and changing diapers and washing faces and reading stories
to just me again. It is quite a change
and a weird change. It is sometimes
lonely and usually quiet and sometimes empty.
It is a now that I have yet to get used to. It makes me miss my old times with the
kids. Sure, they fight and are grumpy
but they also hug and love and share and kiss. They smile and snuggle and make
huge messes and then sometimes fight me about cleaning up the huge messes. I am coming off of winter break where I had
the consistency of kids that I was used to.
We had the freedom of staying up late, sleeping in, eating what we wanted,
doing what we wanted without a schedule or demand. And today they were at school and it was
weird and quiet again. Instead of going
to the gym like I had planned, I took a nap, read some books, cooked some food,
paid some bills. All in the quiet. I do
like quiet but over the years my “now” has not been quiet. It has been LOUD! And I guess that is the trial that some of us
mothers face. Yes, the craziness of kids
is something to get used to but once you are used to it, you just don’t know
how you’ll live without it. I know the
kids will come home in approximately 30 minutes and they might be fighting or
they might be happy and I have to accept whatever mood they come home in. But they will be home. And my purpose will be fulfilled again. Yes, my days are mostly filled with child
related tasks, cleaning, cooking and laundry and errands, but somehow it is
much more fulfilling when they are right here by me. When they are making it take double the time
and I can see them and hear them and love them.
.
I really liked this because it is so true to all the different "nows" in life. Learning to accept them is the hardest part. (Found here)
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