Lonely (take 2)
I originally wrote my five minute prompt on “lonely” here, but when I got to the end, I realized that I had found my truly loneliest time in life, so going to write that now. Although, it is hard to write about this! So many emotions and feelings and really, a very sad, yet growing time in life for me. I have always wanted to write about it, but am overwhelmed with it all. This post might make Blake look like a bum, but he was so great and very involved and this was all part of my growing experience. Here we go.
Waiting in a hospital room with my new baby, William, happy and healthy and a wonderful blessing. Blake is nearby, resting, but who can rest with a new baby to love?
I look out the window, a rainy gray day in Iowa. I don’t even know where I am really. I have only lived in Iowa for two weeks. We went to the wrong hospital for the delivery! I couldn't find my way home if I tried. Yet, we found our way and here we are.
No regular traditions this time. No grandparents with a birthday cake for the new baby. No friends to come meet him. Texting and calling just isn't the same. No In N Out, a tradition we started in Las Vegas, when I was so starving after delivering that I could eat a whole meal AND the chocolate shake. Nobody to share this new spirit with.
The rain is sad. The moment is a bit tainted by loneliness and I cry. I usually cry because of the joy of the baby, the fear of the baby, the excitement and feeling of success! But this time, it is a pitiful cry of loneliness and wondering, how am I going to do this? How am I so alone in the stark, sterile hospital.
Yet, I know I am not alone. I have never felt so carried in my life. Never have I felt the presence of Heavenly Father guiding me so much, carrying me, guarding me. I am lifted and honestly carried. Given the strength to do this hard thing. And knowing, but not knowing that I am doing this. I am doing a very scary thing for me. But I am not doing it alone. Without my God, I would surely be alone.
And this is my lesson, I am supposed to feel this loneliness so I will know that I am not alone. I have never felt true loneliness, because I have always had my Heavenly Father to help me. And He, who created my spirit, knows me perfectly and knows just how to calm me and help me to grow. Growth, a painful state, but necessary to reach full potential. And I am grateful for that time, because without it, I wouldn’t know my own strength or the strength of my God.